Lessons from Paraguay

(note: please excuse the rambling nature of this post.  when examining feelings, I tend to go in a flowing manner)

Have I succeeded in getting myself out my rut??

Don't know.  Juries still out.

Paraguay was amazing, but very different than what I expected.  I went to build houses with Habitat for Humanity.

I expected bonding with the families I was working with, I expected bonding with my team members, I hoped for a new outlook on life.

And while some of that did happen, I don't feel like it impacted me as much as it should have.  It was very hard for me to deal with at the time, especially given that I really didn't connect with anyone on my team, but now that I have a little distance, I'm ready to write about what I learned and what I took away from the experience.

* Food in Paraguay is not great.

* Throwing toilet paper in the toilet is a beautiful, beautiful thing

* You don't need to speak the same language to understand one another

* Uno (yes, the card game!) transcends all language barriers

* People show their gratitude in different ways

* Sometimes, it's not about me

I think the last one is the most important.  I went into this expecting what this trip would do for ME.  Yes, I knew I was ultimately going to help others, but I was really hoping that it would revive me and get me back on track.

Did that work?  Yes and no.  I'm still running, which I was worried about.  I didn't know if I would be able to start again after a two-week break.  But I've gone twice so far.  I guess the true test will be if I can keep it up once school starts.  One more day of vacation!

I feel a little bit happier in who I am.  I didn't while I was there, because I didn't feel like I belonged with my group.  They didn't understand me, I didn't get them.  I didn't try hard enough, but I can't really force myself to form deep connections.  That's not how I operate.  Did I like my group?  Sure, but that's about as far as it went.  Will I keep in touch?  Maybe a few, but that's about it.

I've really enjoyed being alone, and I'm content.  I wasn't really before, and didn't do anything other than watch TV.  Don't get me wrong, I've done plenty of that, but I've been doing other things - playing piano, going for walks and runs, and (GASP) cleaning and organizing, including some things I've been putting off for months.

But mostly, I've realized, it's not always about me.  I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason.  So did I get what I wanted out this experience?  Maybe not, but this trip wasn't about me.  It was about experiencing a new culture, and making a difference in someone else's life.  I think my priorities got a little skewed along the way, and when I look at it like that, I succeeded.

And even though I didn't connect with my team, I did connect with many local Paraguayan people, and we were able to communicate, despite my less-than-stellar Spanish skills.

I am proud of my work, and I can now say I have friends in Paraguay.  Who could ask for more?

Climb Ev'ry Rut

I've been in a rut.

I mean rut in every sense of the word.  Personally, professionally, socially.  For months now.

What does Bella in a rut look like??  It's not pretty.  My place is a mess, projects get left undone, phone calls go unanswered, my anxiety gets high, and my motivation gets low.  Basically I go to work, then go home, sit home alone, go to bed, and start the next day all over again.  See?  Rut.

But lately I've started, almost without specifically thinking about it, trying to climb out of my rut.

The first thing I did was sign up to go to Paraguay to build houses.

You heard me right, me: lazy, socially anxious, and with minimal home improvement skills.  I mean, I had my windows replaced a month ago, and have yet to put up my new blinds!  Now I am going with 16 strangers to build houses in a strange country?

But I am.  And I'm excited.  Terrified, but excited.

This came about quickly, as some of my decisions tend to.  I actually love to travel, and had trip after trip lined up this summer, with each getting canceled or postponed (for one reason or the other) until I had no trips, and no one to travel with.  So I said, "screw that" and signed up with Habitat for Humanity's Global Village Program.  There were several trips that worked with my schedule.

Zambia was immediately dismissed when I saw they had bucket showers only.  No thanks!  

Fiji intrigued me, until I looked up flight prices.  Ouch!

And India and China are places that I plan to visit someday, as a tourist.  So I can wait to get there.

So that left Paraguay.  I mean, who do you know who's ever been to Paraguay??  I can't think of anyone.  I like going to different places that other people don't always get to see.

Of course, does signing up for this trip get immediately get me out of my rut?  Nope.  My doctor fear means I have yet to go to the clinic to see what I need to do before going, and I realize that this is incredibly stupid for several reasons, and will make it impossible to do what I should be doing ahead of time, like go on malaria meds or get the proper immunizations.  But does it make a difference? Nope.  I can't seem to bring myself to make the call.  Rut.

So three weeks ago I made another decision.  I started running.  Now, I am not a runner.  At all.  I'm overweight, short, and hate all sports, even as a spectator.

But I've always been envious of runners.  They always seem like it brings them such peace and happiness.  When life gets crazy, they always have that comfort and stress-relief.

After about 10 of my friends starting running and I kept reading their posts on facebook about how they loved it, and watching some of them lose some weight, I decided to try my hand.

I started at a track doing a half mile. Three weeks later, I'm running a little over a mile straight on a beautiful path along the water.  I even bought new running shoes!!

I'm not sure where this is going to take me, or how long I'll keep it up.  All I know is that right now, I'm enjoying it.  Yeah, it's hard and it sucks, but it's been worth it.  I already feel accomplished and I just feel better about myself.

So, little by little, I'm climbing out of my rut.  I think my upcoming trip will give me a new perspective on life and a new appreciation for what I have.  And my new running skills will give me a new appreciation for myself, as well as self-confidence.

So while I'm not fully out of my rut, I'm climbing those walls little by little.

Tony Tony!

I'm watching the Tony Awards now, and loving it! Check back later in the week for a running commentary (and perhaps some clips if I can find them).

But may I add, if Neil Patrick Harris doesn't sing, I will be very sad! :(

Solid Like Barack

I should really be in bed right now, but I wanted to make sure that I got this done today, because it is a such a historic day.

Today was amazing for me. I am not a very political person, I fully admit it. But something about Barack Obama had me rooting for him from day 1. This is the first time that I actually voted for someone instead of against someone.

Yesterday I watched the concert for the inauguration celebration and spent most of the time in tears (yes, I cry very easily) because I was so moved by the concert and what people had to say.

I love that this election represents so much more than any other recent election. Watching this concert, it occurred to me that Obama really has become a symbol of unity. It's not just the African-American population, but everyone. From all walks of life. Somehow, his presidency has already become a symbol of unity and hope.

For the first time, I see people becoming passionate about the government and politics (myself included). So many people I know just didn't care before, and they do now. Even my students care, as much as they can. They studied him, they recognize him, they voted in our mock-election, and today they watched him make history. Some of them even paid attention!

It's going to be difficult to live up to everyone's expectations, but I somehow feel that he is up to the challenge.

Hail to the chief, indeed.

Resolved

Every year around this time, everyone talks about New Years resolutions. I've never been much for resolutions. While I appreciate the sentiment, it's not really something I've ever been interested in doing. My philosophy is that if you want to change something about your life, change it. Don't wait for a new year. Start now. I admire those who make them and follow through, but it's not something I've ever done.

But today my yoga instructor said some great things (she usually does). She said to make tiny, small changes; not big, grand, lofty goals. Maybe spend one month on one tiny thing. When that's going well, add something else.

So this year? It's all about the tiny changes. For example: this week I am going to keep my kitchen clean for the whole week. That's it. That's my goal. No dishes left in the sink.

Also this week? I'm going to the gym tomorrow. That's my goal - to go to the gym tomorrow.

Next week? Who knows. I'll take it in baby steps.

Have a healthy and happy 2009.

Giving Thanks

I'm generally a very reflective and introspective person. I've always got a lot going on inside my head, most of which I don't tend to share with other people.

(Hence, the anonymous blog.)

So naturally, I am always thinking about my life; what I've got and what I'm missing. Mostly what I've got, though. I try to stay positive.

But I don't always share these musings. So now, I present to you: The Second Annual List of Things to be Thankful for! It's only a little delayed from Thanksgiving.

First up, and most importantly, FAMILY.

Seriously, where would I be without these amazing people?? My two amazing nephews, and my beautiful niece. They are my everything, and I love them more than I can say. And I just have to point out that my niece called me by name this weekend! Two down, one to go!

But it's not just them, it's my siblings too. They are wonderful people who are always there for me. And I'm not just saying that because they actually read this blog (at least, I think they do!) My parents too, have been nothing but supportive and wonderful. I owe a lot to my upbringing by them.

Other things to be thankful for:

* the 2008 election - go Obama!
* my wonderful, amazing, one-of-a-kind class - the best class I've ever had, so I'm going to enjoy it!
* co-workers who keep me laughing day in and out (and students who keep me laughing as well)
* job security - in this market, it's nice to know that I will always have a job - and a good one at that!
* my health
* amazon.com, for being my main mode of holiday shopping this year and keeping me well clear of all malls
* Target, my other shopping haven (sadly, located in a mall, but at least I don't have to step foot in the rest of the mall to go there)
* reusable grocery bags - seriously, I've reduced my plastic usage by about 90% since I started using those, it's amazing!
* my new hot water pot, that allows me a mug of decaf green tea every morning (in my reusable mug, of course!)
* the hipness of being green - I love that people think it's cool to be environmentally friendly!
* books that hook me and enter me into another world
* this blog, which gives me a writing outlet, but also serves as an excellent procrastination tool for when I should be writing research papers *ahem*
* January 20th, when our new president takes office - oh wait, did I say that one already??
* my updated iPod touch, and the plethora of free apps available for my downloading pleasure - next up, iPhone!!
* technology, in general
* music that makes me happy - currently Ben Folds Five, Imogen Heap & Frou Frou, Feist, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, Regina Spektor, and the Twilight soundtrack
* Radiohead, which gets its own category - I can't stop listening to it!

And the list goes on and on. And on and on, I'm sure, because I will writing this research paper for the next 10 days. So I will probably write tons more.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Off the Grid

So, I've been a little off the grid for the past week. It's not unusual for me to cut myself off from the outside world for a day or two. I go to work, interact with people there, then go home and hole myself up in my safe little haven of my own condo. Sometimes I get phone calls, sometimes I refuse to answer.

It's just how I am. It's how I deal.

So, like I said, it's not unusual. For a day or two.

But recently I went off the grid for a whole WEEK! From Thursday to Thursday, there was no talking to me. Of course, I made my public appearances at work, and Thanksgiving and all of that, but the whole time I was just waiting until I could make my escape.

The reason?? Stephenie Meyers.

Oh yes, the author of the Twilight saga.

If you've been paying even the slightest bit of attention (or even if you haven't), you've heard of this phenomenon among teenage girls. It's now even a major motion picture! I had heard of the books, a lot of my friends had read them and loved them, so they were on my radar. Then the movie came out, and the books were everywhere! Out of curiosity, I picked up the first one, Twilight, at Target and bought it.

That night at 10:00, I figured I'd read for 30 minutes then go to bed.

30 minutes passed. Then an hour. Then two. Suddenly it was 1:00 in the morning, and I still didn't want to put the book down!!

Needless to say, I am obsessed. I have now read all four books, and have even started to read the whole series all over again. (And it's not just because the main character happens to share my pseudonym. I had it first!)

When I'm not reading, I'm thinking about them. Seriously. Those books get in your head.

So yes, I am embracing my inner 14 year old girl, and I suggest you do the same.

Oh, and if you've read the books already, then I suggest you check out this. You'll be glad you did.

Hope

It's been awhile, but a long time ago I wrote about my student Mark, and his love of The Kitten. Well, The Kitten had a good long run (seriously, about 18 months!), and is currently on the back burner. I have the feeling it will make the occasional comeback, but will never be the main attraction. His new love?

Obama.

Seriously.

We studied the election all October, learned about Obama and McCain, talked about the president, etc. Well, Mark took a liking to Obama immediately. I don't know if it was something he got from home, or something he developed at school, but he walked around the room every day muttering to himself about Obama and the president, and who knows what else.

He had been asking for the picture for a long time, and I told him that if Obama won the election he could have a copy.

Lucky for Mark (and me!), the picture is now his.

But, in all seriousness, I am ecstatic. Besides being from Chicago, there was always something that I really liked about Obama. I'm not one to talk about politics, read about politics, etc,. but I have to say that I followed this whole election from the early stages.

Watching Obama win felt amazing to me; it's really the first time I've ever been really invested in a candidate. I always vote, but rarely feel passionate about a particular person.

The election this year gave me hope. Hope for a brighter future. This campaign was based on hope instead of fear.

I'm glad that Obama will take the Oval Office, and I'm glad that he is there to provide hope for ALL people.

Even for stunted, growly-voiced, autistic teenagers who carry around laminated pictures of kittens.

Dr. Procrastinator: Or How I Learned to Stop Wasting Time and Start Loving the Research Article

Aaannnd it's time for more procrastination.

Let's make a list of all things that I did today instead of doing my research articles. (although, I did get two done. Yes, that's right, I said two. Of the ten.)

1. Played piano
2. Blogged
3. Did the dishes
4. Read Television without Pity
5. Watched two episodes of Deadwood
6. Cross-stitched
7. Played many games of Spider Solitare
8. Fixed all the artists and albums in my iTunes that were inconsistent (Across the Universe vs. Across The Universe. Trust me, it's been driving me nuts for awhile)
9. While fixing my iTunes, discovered that some of my album covers didn't fill the whole screen. My OCD also compelled me to fix this
10. Read some of my book (Eldest, I just bought the third book of the cycle and wanted to read the whole thing before getting to Brisingr)
11. Checked facebook a few times
12. Posted on Teacher Chat
13. Listened to lots of music

Oh gee, look at the time! Chuck is on TV! Let the procrastination continue!

Procrastination

Procrastination makes it happen
Procrastination, working together (dig it)

That's my own take on a Sesame Street ditty from my childhood.

It's also the theme of the week.

I have this big, HUGE research paper looming over my head for grad school. It's going to take my entire semester and will be a big, stressful pain in the butt.

Now, in order to accomplish this, I have to actually do some research. (Yeah, imagine that, research!) More specifically, read and report on ten research articles related to my topic. That's due a week from Wednesday. I've had a three day weekend with no big plans (just a haunted house last night), and next weekend I am visiting my sister and the lovable twins.

So really, I should just suck it up and get most of it done this weekend, right? Right???

Wrong!

Every time I see the screen of the article review template staring at me, I immediately want to do something else, anything else. I swear, I would rather unpack my boxes that have been sitting there for 3 months that I haven't even considered unpacking. I would rather go to the gym. I would rather wash my dishes, do the laundry, sort my stash of beads into colors, just about ANYTHING other than write this paper.

It's my curse. I cannot focus on a task until I am down to the wire. It's like some kind of calendar-controlled ADD. When I am close to a due date, I have no problems focusing. I can sit and bang out a 10 page paper the day before it's due. But if I sit down three days before, it's suddenly time to file my nails.

So basically this blog just serves as another form of procrastination. Thanks guys, for being an enabler.

OK, I'm going to organize the cleaning supplies under my sink.