Lessons from Paraguay

(note: please excuse the rambling nature of this post.  when examining feelings, I tend to go in a flowing manner)

Have I succeeded in getting myself out my rut??

Don't know.  Juries still out.

Paraguay was amazing, but very different than what I expected.  I went to build houses with Habitat for Humanity.

I expected bonding with the families I was working with, I expected bonding with my team members, I hoped for a new outlook on life.

And while some of that did happen, I don't feel like it impacted me as much as it should have.  It was very hard for me to deal with at the time, especially given that I really didn't connect with anyone on my team, but now that I have a little distance, I'm ready to write about what I learned and what I took away from the experience.

* Food in Paraguay is not great.

* Throwing toilet paper in the toilet is a beautiful, beautiful thing

* You don't need to speak the same language to understand one another

* Uno (yes, the card game!) transcends all language barriers

* People show their gratitude in different ways

* Sometimes, it's not about me

I think the last one is the most important.  I went into this expecting what this trip would do for ME.  Yes, I knew I was ultimately going to help others, but I was really hoping that it would revive me and get me back on track.

Did that work?  Yes and no.  I'm still running, which I was worried about.  I didn't know if I would be able to start again after a two-week break.  But I've gone twice so far.  I guess the true test will be if I can keep it up once school starts.  One more day of vacation!

I feel a little bit happier in who I am.  I didn't while I was there, because I didn't feel like I belonged with my group.  They didn't understand me, I didn't get them.  I didn't try hard enough, but I can't really force myself to form deep connections.  That's not how I operate.  Did I like my group?  Sure, but that's about as far as it went.  Will I keep in touch?  Maybe a few, but that's about it.

I've really enjoyed being alone, and I'm content.  I wasn't really before, and didn't do anything other than watch TV.  Don't get me wrong, I've done plenty of that, but I've been doing other things - playing piano, going for walks and runs, and (GASP) cleaning and organizing, including some things I've been putting off for months.

But mostly, I've realized, it's not always about me.  I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason.  So did I get what I wanted out this experience?  Maybe not, but this trip wasn't about me.  It was about experiencing a new culture, and making a difference in someone else's life.  I think my priorities got a little skewed along the way, and when I look at it like that, I succeeded.

And even though I didn't connect with my team, I did connect with many local Paraguayan people, and we were able to communicate, despite my less-than-stellar Spanish skills.

I am proud of my work, and I can now say I have friends in Paraguay.  Who could ask for more?

Climb Ev'ry Rut

I've been in a rut.

I mean rut in every sense of the word.  Personally, professionally, socially.  For months now.

What does Bella in a rut look like??  It's not pretty.  My place is a mess, projects get left undone, phone calls go unanswered, my anxiety gets high, and my motivation gets low.  Basically I go to work, then go home, sit home alone, go to bed, and start the next day all over again.  See?  Rut.

But lately I've started, almost without specifically thinking about it, trying to climb out of my rut.

The first thing I did was sign up to go to Paraguay to build houses.

You heard me right, me: lazy, socially anxious, and with minimal home improvement skills.  I mean, I had my windows replaced a month ago, and have yet to put up my new blinds!  Now I am going with 16 strangers to build houses in a strange country?

But I am.  And I'm excited.  Terrified, but excited.

This came about quickly, as some of my decisions tend to.  I actually love to travel, and had trip after trip lined up this summer, with each getting canceled or postponed (for one reason or the other) until I had no trips, and no one to travel with.  So I said, "screw that" and signed up with Habitat for Humanity's Global Village Program.  There were several trips that worked with my schedule.

Zambia was immediately dismissed when I saw they had bucket showers only.  No thanks!  

Fiji intrigued me, until I looked up flight prices.  Ouch!

And India and China are places that I plan to visit someday, as a tourist.  So I can wait to get there.

So that left Paraguay.  I mean, who do you know who's ever been to Paraguay??  I can't think of anyone.  I like going to different places that other people don't always get to see.

Of course, does signing up for this trip get immediately get me out of my rut?  Nope.  My doctor fear means I have yet to go to the clinic to see what I need to do before going, and I realize that this is incredibly stupid for several reasons, and will make it impossible to do what I should be doing ahead of time, like go on malaria meds or get the proper immunizations.  But does it make a difference? Nope.  I can't seem to bring myself to make the call.  Rut.

So three weeks ago I made another decision.  I started running.  Now, I am not a runner.  At all.  I'm overweight, short, and hate all sports, even as a spectator.

But I've always been envious of runners.  They always seem like it brings them such peace and happiness.  When life gets crazy, they always have that comfort and stress-relief.

After about 10 of my friends starting running and I kept reading their posts on facebook about how they loved it, and watching some of them lose some weight, I decided to try my hand.

I started at a track doing a half mile. Three weeks later, I'm running a little over a mile straight on a beautiful path along the water.  I even bought new running shoes!!

I'm not sure where this is going to take me, or how long I'll keep it up.  All I know is that right now, I'm enjoying it.  Yeah, it's hard and it sucks, but it's been worth it.  I already feel accomplished and I just feel better about myself.

So, little by little, I'm climbing out of my rut.  I think my upcoming trip will give me a new perspective on life and a new appreciation for what I have.  And my new running skills will give me a new appreciation for myself, as well as self-confidence.

So while I'm not fully out of my rut, I'm climbing those walls little by little.